How to Deal with Unkindness in the Home

Life is absolutely beautiful when dating the one to whom you are crazy in love with and vice versa. Everything is exciting and new and no obligations have been made so there's a sense of freedom as well, but what about after? Some couples go from love doves, doting on one another, to merely behaving as though they are surrounded by a sibling. This is what I would like to call, "The Sibling Complex." Even after the honeymoon, things are going to be quite fresh and exciting, but after spending years with someone to whom you are around all the time, things can be mundane or monotonous. From hearing sweet compliments and little surprises to hearing words that are hurtful and less than godly, it can take a toll on anyone. If you don't believe me, ask those who have been married for over 20 years; they are more experienced with what marriage is like in real life, not just on the television.

So what are the causes behind this type of behavior change? One website that I came across, while pinning from Pinterest, gave some pretty good points on why things like this happen and for the sake of crediting the author, we will use the husband as the point of interest. Writer, Jolene Engle writes:

10 Reasons Why a Husband Isn't Loving His Wife with Christ-like Love:

1. He doesn't know how to love his wife.
2. He thinks he is loving his wife.
3. He's pursued you, caught you, and now he's become complacent in your relationship.
4. He is consumed with life and his responsibilities and his relationship with his wife is the least of his concerns.
5. He has walked all over his wife his entire marriage and he’s not looking to change.
6. He's spiritually immature.
7. He's walking in his flesh rather than the Spirit.
8. He has mental or emotional problems inhibiting him from loving another person.
9. He's afraid to love his wife.
10. His wife isn't easy to love.

(http://joleneengle.com/10-reasons-why-a-husband-isnt-loving-his-wife-with-christ-like-love/)

These reasons are based off of 2 facts that you can count on: 

1. He/she is either lost or, 
2. He/she is saved and just needs a boost back to spiritual reality. 

Granted, you have to realize that God didn't make men and women the same. Men are created to be the tough guy providers for the home, while the women are to stay home and make babies (Genesis 2-3). Of course, over the years this isn't as prevalent and not all guys are like how Adam was and not all women are like how Eve was; that's sin's curse. 

So what do you do if your spouse says unkind things to you? 

Pray. First, your responsibility as a child of God and spouse to your husband/wife is to pray for him/her (we will stick with the husband being the primary object so I don't have to write so much, lol). Praying and fasting is an act of love and selflessness. When you took your vows, do you remember what those vows included? "For better, for worse..." God knows that it is not going to be a perfect relationship because nothing perfect has ever existed except for Him and His Son. Pray that God takes your husband's heart and turns it towards Him for help. 

React Appropriately. If you are caught in a crossfire of his emotions, you have 2 choices: keeping still or responding with a soft answer. James 1:19 says, "Wherefore, my beloved brethern, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath." In Proverbs 15:1 it says, "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger."

If all else fails, and you are led by the Spirit, seek counsel. There is no shame in seeking counsel for marriage help. If he is willing and you have tried all of the steps above, try speaking with someone. This step doesn't even necessarily have to include your spouse; this can be something for you to do to take an opportunity to speak with someone about what's going on. Of course, I highly encourage a Christian counselor and many churches offer such programs or even the association affiliated with your church should have something set up for occurrences like this. 

All in all, when the day is done, love your spouse with a Christ-like love. Forget about your feelings and emotions and concentrate on the other person. We have to remember that men and women are not the same and are not supposed to be. All men need that extra boost of confidence to get them going in the right direction. In my own experience and in conversations with my own husband, he has admitted that he isn't as diligent in being considerate as I tend to be and he recognizes that, apologizes and I never hold it against him. I see him as a typical Adam figure; one who works, provides, wants affection, and has a one track mind. This is why I love him and why our personalities compliment one another. It just works for us and it is what God expects of us considering that He did the matching. If you are doing what God calls you to do in the marriage and you are kind and loving and pray earnestly for your husband and he continues his unkind-like behavior towards you, don't fret because God sees it and God will deal with him accordingly. Your soft and Christ-like reactions and behavior towards your husband will also serve as a witness to him. Let him see Christ in you so that if it is the case that he is lost, you might just be that only Light that he sees. Keep heart and put your marriage in God's hands. The Bible says, "Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you." (I Peter 5:7) 

You can also try little things that can help his mood better: tell him how handsome he is, bring up a romantic time you shared, tell him how grateful you are that he is in your life, buy him a gift, cook his favorite meal, etc. Everyone enjoys a compliment! ;)

God bless you and may you search the Scriptures with an earnest heart. Xoxo!!